Survivor's Guilt

from Lustdisgust by Dani Jean-Baptiste

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lyrics

From the view of a window seat
I spy the ugly pyre of an engine
Is that in my head again
Or are we really going down this time?

This businessman by my side
What shape does his face make when he screams?
Will he clutch at his seat will he pray will he cry?
When he knows there’s nothing he can do but die

Three-page pamphlet I always read
Won’t even attempt to prepare us for the
Eventually of burning
And breaking
And falling for minutes flat

And would it change anything?
Would I make a sound?
I think I’d spend it
Just looking around

Who would I have to call?
I mean when my face breaks on my knees
That snap of spinal cord
Last rush of sweet release
Think of sinew and I start to sweat
From a view in a window seat
When the plane lifts off the ground
Why do I get this hopeful feeling?

I am the last surviving man
In this god forsaken wreck
Of a bathroom shower
Clinging to curtains and grout on the floor

Filling up sleeves with texture
Exceeding my need to be better
I can't do that any faster
Than I can get up in the morning to go be a

Real man
Trying to separate scars from what’s got to be done like a
Real man
Part of my head
Will never unstick
From that hospital bed
Part of my arm
Will never unfreeze from her hands

I am the cheat the fluke the bust
I can’t be trusted
I should’ve been with all of them
The ones who didn’t make it out like some

Real man
What in the hell am I eating well and working out for?
Let’s get
Real man
Don’t come too close
I might get morose and recede
It’s not that I chose to
Don’t know how I’m supposed to not breathe

Can they see me faking?
Can they see me taking up space?
Can they see me faking?
Can they see me taking up space?
Can they see me faking?
Can they see me taking up space?
Can they see me faking?
Can they see me taking up space?

credits

from Lustdisgust, released September 21, 2019

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Dani Jean-Baptiste Chicago, Illinois

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